The 2006 Feddy Awards

The 2006 Feddy Awards

What's a Feddy? Funny You Should Ask...: Aidin Vaziri | Oh, the indignity of it all. One day, you're consort to the reigning princess of pop, the next, you're Fed-Ex. It's the biggest postmarital tumble since Roseanne dumped Tom Arnold. But let's face it: Even on a good day, Kevin Federline is no Tom Arnold, and his future looks pretty grim unless someone comes up with a way to keep his name alive. Datebook may have the answer: In honor of Kevin Federline's enduring irrelevance, we are renaming our annual Least awards, honoring the most egregious moments in pop culture of the waning year. With that, dear readers, we give you the 2006 Feddy Awards, beginning, of course, with one to K-Why himself:

FEDELICIOUS Between buying cigarettes at gas stations, hitting the clubs in Vegas and neglecting his children, Kevin Federline somehow found time to finish his long-threatened rap album, "Playing With Fire." The critical reaction was pretty bad. The commercial reaction was worse. Few people bought it, and his tour was canceled almost as soon as it was announced. But Britney Spears took it the hardest. She filed for divorce within days of its release. Guess she didn't like the album.

NEWLYWEDS OF THE YEAR Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock somehow found enough time in their busy career schedules to get married something like 18 times over the course of a few summer weeks and do a huge photo spread for GQ magazine as "Newlyweds of the Year" before sobering up and realizing they had just married Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson. They split in November.

BOO-BOO OF THE YEAR Lindsay Lohan fractured her ankle and wrist and, while filming her latest movie, "Georgia Rule," suffered from exhaustion. That's Hollywood-speak for "Lindsay Lohan had to go to rehab three times this year." Allegedly.

CRACK HEAD OF THE YEAR Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards fell out of a coconut tree and onto his head, requiring brain surgery and forcing the band to cancel several shows. This proved the old notion: Keith Richards might be indestructible, but he's dumber than a monkey.

BAD YEAR Daniel Powter's mushy ballad "Bad Day" became the unofficial loser's anthem on "American Idol," playing each time a contestant's 15 minutes of fame were up. The song is playing everywhere Daniel Powter goes.

DRIVER OF THE YEAR The streets of Los Angeles get a little less safe every year. Following in the footsteps of fellow socialites/bad drivers Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie was nabbed for allegedly driving under the influence of alcohol after maneuvering her black Mercedes SUV into the carpool lane of Highway 134 -- in the wrong direction. Can't these people afford public transportation?

FLASHER OF THE YEAR After her separation from Kevin Federline, Britney Spears went out of her house for an entire week straight without wearing any underwear. At least she didn't expose us to anything truly awful: more of her music.

BURNOUT OF THE YEAR Paris Hilton's debut album flopped. She got arrested on DUI charges. She was denied entry to the high-profile New York club Bungalow 8 after the MTV Video Music Awards. But, still, people wanted to follow her every move. There's nothing like Paris when it fizzles.

BOX OFFICE BOMB OF THE YEAR If only the actual movie was half as good as Samuel L. Jackson's reason for starring in it: "I took this job because it said 'Snakes on a Plane.' I didn't have to read the script: You got a plane full of snakes! That's all I need to know!"

HE WON SEXY BACK George Clooney was honored as People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive." Again. People magazine needs to get its fat butt out of the house more often.

FAKE DOCUMENTARY OF THE YEAR Sexy time! High five! Very nice! People couldn't get enough of "Borat," making it the biggest and most-talked-about comedy of the year. And they said Americans wouldn't appreciate naked man-on-man action.

LOVING THE ALIEN Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise not only revealed Suri's silent-birthed face to the world through a low-key Vanity Fair cover but also finally made the little bugger legitimate by getting hitched in Rome. Apparently, the 2,917th ring of Saturn was already booked on that day.

TANTRUM OF THE YEAR Faith Hill was caught throwing a royal tantrum by a backstage camera at the Country Music Association Awards when Carrie Underwood was named female vocalist of the year. We did the same thing when we found out Faith Hill was still making albums.

DEAD STAR OF THE YEAR Twelve years after his death, Kurt Cobain became the world's most profitable dead rock star by earning more than $50 million last year. Now who's the slacker?

COURTNEY LOVE MERIT AWARD In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine to promote her first book, "Dirty Blonde: The Diaries of Courtney Love," the widow Cobain claimed that she had her first hit of acid at the relatively mature age of 4. That explained a lot.

MOTHER OF THE YEAR Anna Nicole Smith. Let's just say they should have given her reality show just one more season.

LOSER OF THE YEAR Fulfilling a promise, Kirstie Alley lost 75 pounds and appeared on "Oprah" in a bikini. The world responded with just one question: "Who's Kirstie Alley?"

NOW HIRING The bad news: Temperamental supermodel Naomi Campbell was accused of assaulting two maids and one former assistant. The good news: Those positions are now open.

DOOFUS OF THE YEAR "Seinfeld" star Michael "Kramer" Richards exploded in a racist rant directed at hecklers at a comedy club in Los Angeles, only to have the performance caught on camera phone and spread around the world via the Internet. And we thought stuff like that only happened to George.

DRUNKEN DOOFUS OF THE YEAR When Mel Gibson was pulled over for drunken driving in July, he launched into an anti-Semitic tirade against his arresting officer. The movie star checked into rehab and later blamed alcohol for the outburst, telling Diane Sawyer, "Once you're loaded, you know, the balance of how you see things -- it comes out the wrong way." What, his anti-Semitic tirade would have been a lot more articulate if he'd been sober?

DIVORCE PETITION OF THE YEAR After their second breakup, Denise Richards filed divorce papers against Charlie Sheen that accused him of employing prostitutes, abusing drugs and threatening her with physical abuse. Um, she knew she was marrying Charlie Sheen, right?

BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE Try to follow this: (1) Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen split. (2) Saucy photos appeared in Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora's e-mail inbox. (3) A few days later, Heather Locklear filed for divorce from Sambora. (4) Three months later, Locklear's former best friend Richards hooked up with Sambora. (5) Locklear rebounded with comedian David Spade. If the plot twists were that good on "Melrose Place," it would still be on the air.

UPGRADE OF THE YEAR Kate Hudson left her hirsute husband, Black Crowes front man Chris Robinson, for "You, Me and Dupree" co-star Owen Wilson. In other news, this was the year Hudson apparently came to her senses.

MOST BORING COUPLE OF THE YEAR Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Rhymes with, "Blah, blah, blah, yawn, yawn."

DIVORCE OF THE YEAR, U.K. DIVISION Paul McCartney and Heather Mills pre-divorce proceedings have been plagued with scandal, tabloid dirty rumors, name-calling, pornographic photographs and outrageous charges of abuse. After years of dealing with Yoko Ono, it's probably like a walk in the park for McCartney.

HE'S JUST A LOVE MACHINE Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown also broke up after a 14-year marriage highlighted by drug busts and major blowouts. Now whom is he going to ask over dinner, "Do you think I can impregnate you tonight?"

NO DUH Lance Bass, a former member of boy-band 'N Sync, came out. The news that a former member of 'N Sync was gay came as actual news to about three people.

BAD DOGG After an appearance on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno," rapper Snoop Dogg was arrested for the third time in as many months on charges of possessing a firearm and illegal drugs. Haven't the authorities ever tried to watch Jay Leno? He was underprepared, in our book.

GEOGRAPHY 101 Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie decided to have their baby in Africa. It was the charitable thing to do: Americans were finally able to locate Africa on a map.

IDOL TALENT Taylor Hicks, a gray-haired oaf with elbow-jutting dance moves and a penchant for satin sports jackets, was named "American Idol." There's really no punchline necessary.

LADY MADONNA Amid an uproar from no one in particular, Madonna bought herself a Third World baby, then went on "Oprah" to defend her purchase with the most boring interview ever. We liked her much better when she was just trying to buy our love by taking off her clothes and humping anything that moved. Even Vanilla Ice.

REALITY BITES All out of ideas, the cable networks rolled out abysmal reality shows on Hulk Hogan, Mr. T and former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter who, by sheer coincidence, was not in "Rocky III." If we wanted to watch the lives of a bunch of washed-up crazy people, we would just stand up and look out over our cubicle.

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR David Hasselhoff, what a comeback! He was not only a judge on the top-rated television show "America's Got Talent," but he also divorced his wife, slashed a tendon in a shaving accident, got thrown out of Wimbledon, made a video called "Jump in My Car," was reportedly bumped off a flight to London because he was wasted, signed on for a part on the Vegas run of "The Producers" and came out with his own clothing line, Don't Hassel the Hoff. Wait, did we say "comeback"? We meant "jackass."